So normal, yet so different
by Yellowwolf
Summary: Spoilers for 4.14! Two-chaptered story about Sam and Dean's thoughts and feelings on what happened.
1. Sam

**Disclaimer: **I'm really pretty sure that I don't own Supernatural or Jared and Jensen. Such a shame.

**Author's note:** Haven't posted anything on here in a while ... This is a one-shot to the episode Sex and Violence so spoilers for that episode! If you haven't seen it yet and don't want to get spoiled, hit the back button now! It's basically Sam's thoughts on what happened. Hope you'll enjoy it!

**Beta:** Thanks to Teresa, for not only checking this over for me but also my other Supernatural-related stories. And for suggesting a title! Because without the suggestion, the title would royally suck. *big hug*

**_So normal, yet so different_**

Metallica filled the silence in the otherwise quiet Impala. Neither brother spoke, neither one felt the need to after what had happened.

Sam's forehead rested against the cold glass. He was staring outside without seeing anything of the passing landscape. Dean's words and his own kept replaying in his head. He kept seeing Dean charge at him, kept remembering the murderous look on his face, the hatred. He had been so sure Dean was going to kill him. If Bobby hadn't arrived when he did, he'd be dead. He couldn't suppress a shiver.

"You okay?" Dean asked, his voice sounding carefully controlled.

Sam wanted to laugh, wanted to yell that he was in fact not okay. "I'm fine." He replied instead, voice equally devoid of any emotion. He wondered if this was it. If they were going to be two practically strangers riding in the same car because it was the only option they had. Separating meant not only putting himself in danger but also Dean. They needed each other to keep hunting, to stay alive.

Was that the only reason they needed each other? At the moment, it seemed so. Dean sure as hell didn't trust him. Maybe that's why he still wanted him around, to keep an eye on him, to make sure he didn't use his powers, well too bad. He wasn't going to stop calling Ruby, he wasn't going to stop looking for signs of Lillith just because Dean didn't want to. It would all work out in the end, Sam knew it and Ruby knew it. Once Lillith was gone, they'd be fine. He was going to make her pay for sending Dean to Hell. It was simple, really. Find Lillith, kill her. Why couldn't Dean see that?

"_You're too weak to go after her. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are, stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you're too scared to go near. You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about the souls you tortured in Hell."_

Sam remembered his words with clarity. He wished he could hide behind the excuse of the siren's spell, wished he could just pass it off as that being the reason why he said it but it wasn't. He knew that. Dean probably knew it too. The siren hadn't put those words in his mouth, hadn't made him say anything that wasn't true. Sam had thought those things before.

It made him ashamed. It made him ashamed as soon as the thoughts entered his head and the fact that he had said them out loud this time made him absolutely horrified. Dean had gone to Hell for him. He was still alive today because of his brother. Dean had saved him more times than he could count or even imagine. And that was what he had to say. That was his thanks. He called him weak and pathetic. It made him feel sick.

Dean definitely wasn't going to talk to him about Hell anymore now. He had tried so hard to get Dean to open up, to get him to talk about it to him, trying to make him feel that he could and he had ruined it all.

So really, he couldn't blame Dean for not trusting him. He had been holding out on him. Everything Dean had told him was true. He was no longer the same Sam that he was before. Those four months without his brother had changed him more than he cared to admit. Of course they had. For months, he had done everything to try and get his brother back but he had failed. After that, it was all about surviving, about vengeance. Ruby had been there, she had saved him, she had seen him at his worst. In her own way, she had helped him through.

He had changed out of desperation, out of a need to be twice as good a hunter as he was before because he had been alone. Ruby had not been able to fill up the hole that Dean had left behind. That hole was still there now, even now that his brother was back. It was smaller but still there.

Ever since Dean's return, there had been a shift in their relationship. There had been distrust and lies from both sides. They were drifting apart, that much was obvious and no matter how hard he tried, the distance between them wasn't getting any smaller. It reminded him of that classic nightmare where he was running and yet wouldn't, couldn't get any closer, no matter what he did.

He knew it was partly his own fault. He'd be stupid to try and deny it. Fact of the matter was that they had both changed, that they were both so different from the people they were before. They were even more scared, each in their own way. They had both developed different views. Where they used to see eye-to-eye, they were butting heads. They were each pulling in a different direction and Sam didn't want to find out where that would lead them eventually.

If he was honest with himself, he knew he was scared, scared that one day he would lose Dean for good. He couldn't go through it again, that pain had almost destroyed him last time. It would sure as hell destroy him next time. Then Ruby wouldn't be able to help him anymore. Then he wouldn't even want her to help him. He was not living through it again. Period.

Maybe that's why he was so desperate to end the war. Maybe that's why he was so desperate to use his powers. He could stop it with his powers. Then Dean would be safe. He probably wouldn't want anything to do with him but at least he would be alive. That right there was enough for Sam. He wanted to safe Dean for a change. Maybe he was going about it the wrong way, maybe he should confide in Dean instead of Ruby but he had a goal, a purpose. He was determined in succeeding. And maybe, just maybe, if he stayed with Dean, his brother would come around eventually, see that what he was planning on doing was a good thing.

After everything, he still just wanted his brother's acceptance. Dean was still his big brother, he still looked up to him. The fact that he had probably hurt Dean hurt him too. He felt the sudden urge to apologize again but what good would it do? He couldn't take back those words, he couldn't make Dean understand he hadn't quite meant it that way. The time where he could just talk to him was over. Too much had happened.

He wished he could think that they would be fine. He wished that he knew for sure that this was just something they were going through, that one day they would go back to being brothers. Truth was, he wasn't sure.

They were so far from good. There were too many things left unsaid, too many things they would probably never talk about. It was destroying them. When everything had gone bad, they had always been able to rely on each other. Even when they were young. They had always been there for each other. Dean had always been there for him, picking up the pieces. Sam wished so badly that he could do the same. That for once he could fix Dean, that he could make it better. In order for that though, he would have to fix himself. He was so far from fine, from normal that he wasn't sure if he could make his way back. It worried him.

The sky was turning dark. Sam blinked, surprised that so much time had passed already since they left. It already seemed so long ago. He realized he didn't even know where they were going. He was pretty sure Dean hadn't found another hunt yet, they didn't exactly have the time to check. He didn't bother asking though. Dean probably knew where they were going, that was enough.

Not too long after that, they pulled up outside of a motel.

"We better spend the night here." Dean said, killing the engine.

"Good idea."

They got out. Sam grabbed their stuff out of the trunk of the car while Dean went to pay for their room. Once inside, Sam dumped his stuff on one bed and Dean's on the other.

"I'm going to take a shower." Dean announced.

Sam flopped down on the bed, toeing of his shoes. It seemed just like any other time that they shared a motel room and yet nothing was the same. Things had once more changed between them. He closed his eyes and listened as the water came on. So normal, yet so different.

**_The end_**

_I'm working on Dean's version so stay tuned for that one! Have a great weekend!_


	2. Dean

**Disclaimer: **Supernatural doesn't belong to me!

**Author's note:** As promised, the second part! I'm so sorry for the long wait. I had honestly completely forgotten about it. Thanks for the reviews!

**Beta:** Thanks to Teresa, a Dean-girl who made sure this sounded like Dean. Thanks, hun!

_**So normal, yet so different  
Dean**_

Metallica filled the silence in the otherwise quiet Impala. Neither brother spoke, neither one felt the need to after what had happened.

Dean wished he could say something witty to break the strained and uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them. He wished there was some clever remark he could make to ease the guilt that was smothering them. Unfortunately, he was coming up blank. There was nothing he could possibly say to make things better between them. He wasn't even sure he wanted to try and fix yet another crack in their relationship.

Sam wasn't listening to anything he was saying anyway. He was still making plans with Ruby, plans that involved Lilith and using his powers. Dean didn't like it one bit. That was not why he'd gone to Hell. He went to Hell to make sure his brother stayed alive and safe. At the moment, Sam was anything but safe. Heaven and Hell were breathing down their necks. It would only be a matter of time before the Angels caught on to what Sam was planning on doing and he had the feeling there would be consequences.

Dean's hands clenched around the steering wheel as he remembered Castiel's warning. He knew the Angel wasn't kidding. They would take Sam out in a heartbeat. Dean was basically the only thing standing between the Angels and Sam. He wasn't sure how long he could hold that position. All he knew was that if they so much as suggested killing Sam again, he would kick their holy asses back to Heaven himself. Demon blood or no demon blood, Sam was still his little brother and it was still his duty to look out for him, even if Sam made that task increasingly difficult.

He glanced at Sam out of the corner of his eyes, just in time to see him shiver.

"You okay?" He asked, voice sounding oddly empty.

"I'm fine." Sam answered a heartbeat later, voice sounding the same. It made it very clear that he was everything but fine. Sam almost never closed himself emotionally.

Under normal circumstances, he would ask further but it was clear what he was thinking about. It was exactly what Dean was trying not to think about. It was impossible.

"_You're too weak to go after her. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are, stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you're too scared to go near. You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about the souls you tortured in Hell."_

He was pretty sure he would never forget those words. They had cut deep and hurt him more than he cared to admit. He had never in a million of years thought Sam would think this way about him. He never thought Sam would think he was weak and pathetic after everything he had gone through. It wasn't fair, damn it. Sam didn't understand, he couldn't understand.

There were no words to describe the torture he had gone through. He couldn't explain the burning pain that had consumed him day after day, week after week. He couldn't explain that intense feeling of pleasure of being able to bring pain instead of receive it. He couldn't explain the relief it had brought. He couldn't even explain it to himself, let alone someone else. He couldn't begin to justify it either. He had tortured good souls like his had once been, souls who were there for someone else, souls who had been claimed and driven to insanity by demons.

He was no better than the lot of them. At least Sam still believed he was using his powers for the greater good. Dean had willingly and knowingly brought pain to others. He still didn't understand why Castiel had brought him back, why God wanted someone who had enjoyed torturing innocent souls.

He should just stop thinking, before the memories he had tried so hard to block out came back. He should focus on where they were going instead. He had no idea where he was going. He'd just wanted to drive, get as far away from that town as possible.

Whenever he glanced at Sam, he could see the cut he had inflicted on his brother. It stood out against the pale flesh of his throat, mocking him, making him feel guilty. It was nothing compared to the guilt he felt at almost killing Sam. With clarity, he remembered the expression of fear right before he had brought the axe down. If Bobby hadn't shown up when he did, the axe would have cut clean through Sam's his throat. He would have killed his own brother. The scariest part of it was that he had wanted to. He hadn't thought twice about what he was doing.

All he had felt was pain, hate and a conviction that the person on the ground was no longer his Sammy. He hadn't been since he had got back from Hell. Heck, maybe he hadn't been since the day he made that deal to bring Sam back.

In retrospect, it was all his own doing. He had forced Sam into this position, he knew that. He knew Sam had only embraced his powers to try and get him back from the pit. He was the reason Sam had turned into this new person. This person that Dean sometimes didn't even recognize.

Sometimes, he felt like his brother was a stranger. He hated that feeling and it always threw him, made him feel lost though he'd be damned if he ever admitted that out loud. Then other times, the Sammy he knew was back, sometimes he would see a flash of him in the way Sam smiled or in his eyes or in his behavior. Unfortunately, that seemed to get less frequent as more time passed.

Dean hated it. He knew though that he couldn't blame Sam for changing. Sam had been on his own, overwhelmed by guilt and had turned to the first person he thought could help. Unfortunately, that person had been Ruby instead of Bobby. She had offered him the one thing that Bobby would never have been able to offer him: Lilith.

He knew what the need for revenge could do to Sam, he had seen it after Jessica's death. Sam was still hell-bent on revenge, it was obvious. Dean also knew that wasn't the only reason he wanted the demon dead. Sam had never been into hunting like he was. Sam wanted it to be over. Dean didn't blame him, he wanted it to be over too. He was just scared that Sam would go too far in trying to stop Lilith, that there would be no saving him once he had taken her on. More than anything, that scared him.

All he could do was keep an eye on Sam, look out for him. He just hoped he'd be enough to safe Sam before it was too late.

He glanced up at the sky, noticing it was getting dark already. It would be best to find a motel and get a good night's sleep. Maybe the new day would bring hope and a solution. He realized that was too much to ask for. He'd already be glad if the new day brought less awkwardness.

They needed to work together, trust each other. He had basically told Sam that he didn't trust him. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the complete truth either. He still trusted Sam to have his back in a dangerous situation. He just didn't trust him when it came to Ruby and his powers. He'd always been able to rely on Sam but he knew this newfound waryness was something he would need to learn to live with for the time being. In order to survive, he had to try to think about it as less as possible. That seemed difficult.

They reached a town. Finding a motel proved easy enough.

"We better spend the night here." Dean said, killing the engine.

"Good idea." Sam agreed.

Dean went over to the reception area to book them a room while Sam grabbed their stuff from the trunk.

"I'm going to take a shower." Dean announced. It seemed just like any other time that they shared a motel room and yet nothing was the same. Things had once more changed between them. So normal, yet so different.

**The end**

_What did you think? Feedback is much appreciated!_


End file.
